The images above show family members holding a photograph of me as a child. These link to the first layer of my sculpture which shows images from my childhood, looking back at a time where I did not suffer social anxiety and I felt helped.

Having family members holding an image of me as a child is their way of holding onto what I used to be. My social anxiety doesn’t just effect me, but those around me. The image acts as metaphor for holding onto hope that I recover from social anxiety, and therefore going back to my childhood.

I also experimented with family members holding a photographs of me at my graduation. I had the idea of pairing this with the quote ‘Are you proud?’. For me, graduating from university was one of my biggest achievements as I suffered badly from social anxiety during this time. The fact that I went onto finish the course and graduate was a proud moment for me, even though I struggled. Having family members holding onto a photo of me at my graduation, paired with the quote represents the idea of recovery, showing that even though there are difficult moments I can ‘beat’ the anxiety to hopefully make people proud.

I positioned each family member within the fame position which created consistency. I purposely didn’t show their faces, as a I wanted an anonymity to the work. It represents the loss of connection from me since I have suffered with anxiety, in comparison to the happiest times talked about previously during my childhood.

Test Images

The two images above link to the quote – ‘And when you find somebody who accepts you, even with all your faults, everything changes. You open up to them in a way you never thought you could with anyone.’

The images are simple, yet represents the support that I get from being in a relationship. It contrasts with the other images where I am alone. This focuses on the idea of recovery, and how being in a relationship has helped with this. The simplistic muted tones is a theme throughout my work, giving it a film photography feel. Using negative space within the image allows the viewer to focus purely on the hands, without any distractions.

Test Images

These self-portraits were produced to create a sense of loneliness, as well as having no control over this loneliness. I feel that the orange colour of my hair is slightly to bright in these three images, creating a distraction. What works well is the white clothing contrasting against the black headboard, and this idea of contrast is something I will continue to use throughout my work.

These two images for me are the strongest. The first one shows the idea of loneliness more than the others, being surrounded by nothing else in the image. Not showing my face is a common theme I have used throughout my self portraiture work. The final picture works best for me, the blurred effect links to the idea of having no control over my loneliness, and the bright colour of my hair contrasted with the muted tones of the rest of image, draw the viewer into the work. The white clothing has a rawness to it, similar to the film effect colouring within the image.

Test Images

I wanted to create images using shadows, playing on the word ‘consumption’, using colours to experiment with emotion. I feel that the green and red work best. This is because the green represents nature, which is a common theme within my work, whist the red ceases feelings of uneasiness, and anger. The idea of using a shadow shows a lack of connection from reality, as well as wanting to be unseen.

Although I am intrigued by the idea of working with shadows, I feel that these images do not work as they lack interest. I will continue to work with shadows within my photography, however replacing the plant with one that has a more obvious share, or using myself as the subject.

Test Images

‘There’s an emptiness that’s fills your teenage years. Going to university was supposed to be the best three years of my life, but ended up being the worst. You start to question yourself. Why can’t I make friends? What’s wrong with me? That’s when the loneliness kicks in. You spend so much time alone, that you begin to become comfortable with loneliness.’

These images were the initial test images for the quote above. The second two images of me being transparent work best for me. The first one is slightly boring and to me has no reference to loneliness as the surroundings have not be made visible enough.

However within the second two images, there is a sense of being lost within the landscape, an idea of loosing myself, especially as I am walking away.

Quotes

Below is the list of quotes that I have written to go onto my sculpture. I have also wrote the ideas for the photographs for each quote, although at this stage these are only rough ideas.

1.You grow up hearing everybody say, ‘she’s just quiet’. The school reports claiming, ‘Kirsty doesn’t speak much in class’. And everyone tells you that’s it’s just a phase. You’ll soon grow out of it and everything will be okay. But what if you don’t grow out of it. What if growing up means you get worse? You surround yourself with family because it’s the only comfort you can find. For a while you’re happy. You have a happy childhood, but there is always something missing. You look back on childhood photos and think, where did it all go wrong?

Photographs of when I was a child, showing how I was happy. Family will be included in these photographs to represent what made me feel comfortable. The comparison between childhood images and photographs of me now ask the question, where did it all go wrong?

2. There’s an emptiness that’s fills your teenage years. Going to university was supposed to be the best three years of my life, but ended up being the worst. You start to question yourself. Why can’t I make friends? What’s wrong with me? That’s when the loneliness kicks in. You spend so much time alone, that you begin to become comfortable with loneliness.

Doing my BA course at university and moving away from home made my anxiety so much worse. I become depressed and so isolated from people that I experienced such low times and loneliness. The idea of spending time alone and loneliness with be the may theme of the photographs attached to this quote. I may include a landscape in which I appear but small within the image, implying that I am alone.

3.After a while you become non-existent. You have a fear to make any form of conversation, a fear of rejection People stop trying to talk to you because they don’t know what to say and you know that you’re hard to talk to but there’s nothing you can do to make it better. No-body notices you anymore and you begin to become so removed from everything around you.

This image will be a simple self portrait, yet I will scratch the surface of the image to show that I am no longer noticeable and represent the idea of becoming removed from your surroundings.

4.You feel so lost in this world.

Once again I will include a landscape for this layer, but this time there will be nothing else within the image. It shows how consumed by my surroundings I can feel and once again plays on the idea of emptiness/loneliness.

5.You feel yourself sinking, further and further. Trying to grasp onto any part of recovery that you can to stop you loosing yourself.

This layer will show me submerged in water, almost drowning. This shows me at my lowest when I struggle with everything around me. This layer will be slightly repeated later on, yet will change to recovery.

6.The reflection in the mirror isn’t me. On the outside I am smiling. Underneath, I am suffocating. I’m juggling so much pain; physical, emotional and before you know it the cracks start to show.

A simple reflection of me in the mirror, yet the mirror may be cracked to represent what the true reality that people may not see when I put on a front. The idea of two personalities will be played with.

7. Social anxiety doesn’t just affect your mind. You feel like you can’t breathe. Like everything around you is rushing by and you can’t stand still. Your heart starts to beat faster. Palms clench. The whole-body tenses and you struggle to focus your mind on anything.

Images out of focus of different body parts mentioned within the quote. This will focus on the idea of everything rushing by, whilst demonstrating that social anxiety isn’t just mental, but also has physical affects.

8. But you have to find a way to hold on. You must find a way to breathe again.

This links with the easier idea of me being submerged in water, however this time being able to breathe which show the start the of the recovery process.

9. Only you are responsible for your happiness. You must create it. You choose your thoughts, your perceptions and your love.

Linked to image from previous module. Hugging myself in order to create happiness. The idea of self love and choosing to get better.

10.And when you find somebody who accepts you, even with all your faults, everything changes. You open up to them in a way you never thought you could with anyone.

Being in a relationship and initially meeting somebody is such a struggle when suffering with social anxiety, so to open up to them and act yourself around somebody is rare. However, when you do find somebody you rely on this person so much can no longer imagine being on your own again. I will simply have a photo holding hands with this person, yet the image will be simplistic so that the focus is solely on this.

11. You realise that the world has so much to offer.

Nature picture. Linking with the previous module where I contrasted self portraits with landscape/nature picture to represent chaos and peace.

Test Images

‘Social anxiety doesn’t just affect your mind. You feel like you can’t breathe. Like everything around you is rushing by and you can’t stand still. Your heart starts to beat faster. Palms clench. The whole-body tenses and you struggle to focus your mind on anything.’

After the last images felt to ‘fashion’ based, I looked at ways that the images represented my social anxiety more, rather than producing an aesthetically pleasing image.

By making the images out of focus it relates to the quote when stating ‘Like everything around you is rushing by and you can’t stand still’. The photos go against usual conventions within photography such as having the images in focus, therefore making the images slightly uncomfortable to view. This is the aim within my work as I don’t want viewers to look at the photographs comfortably.

Test Images

These images in particular represent ‘You feel like you can’t breathe’. I imagine this layer consisting of a collage of photographs, each one showing a different body part that I mention in the quote. This layer is to prove that social anxiety doesn’t just effect you mentally but also physically which a lot of people may not realise.

Although the lighting in the photographs is interesting as it represents the emotion I am feeling, I feel that they appear to ‘fashion’ like and therefore don’t feel raw enough.

Jo Spence: Putting Myself in the Picture

After reading the Photo Therapy: New portraits for old from ‘Putting Myself in the Picture’ I was inspired by the quote ‘Through the medium of visual reframing we can begin to understand that images we hold of ourselves are often the embodiment of particular traumas, fears, loses, hopes and desires’.

What Jo Spence was saying within this quote links to the idea of using childhood images within my work. It’s interesting to look at the images and consider where my social anxiety began and if at the different stages of my life what my feats and hopes were like quoted by Jo Spence.

When talking about it in relation to self portraiture, the main reason for me using this form of photography enables me to represent myself that I would not feel comfortable doing in another way. My self portraits represent what Jo Spence talks about within the chapter perfectly, and whether I do it consciously or not, the images represent deep rooted issues within me.

Photographs within my work

Up until this point my research has focused mainly of the design of the sculpture itself, however after beginning to think about the actual photographs I want to use I have come up with a few different options that I will experiment with.

Photos from my childhood – These photographs will represent my life before I had social anxiety, showing the difference between life then and now with anxiety.
Self portraits – After using self portraits within my previous module to represent what it is like to live with social anxiety, I have decided that I want to carry on with this idea and continue to produce self portraits based around mental health.
Landscapes/nature – This is something that I also used within the previous module. The landscapes contrasted with the self portraits, often representing peace. It also helped the project to not become boring, offering something different from continuous self portraits.